Billy Ray Cyrus AKA Hannah Montana's Dad

Hello and welcome to Survival of the Fittest. This is a “blog” in which I study why certain people are better than others through the miracles of natural selection.

Who is the man who spawned one of the most popular kid’s star of all time? This is an American (duh, survive) country music singer who has helped make this genre of music a worldwide phenomenon. This is the man who wrote the iconic song, “Achy Breaky Heart,” an anthem of our nation. His album Some Gave All has sold over twenty million copies. Oh, and did I mention he is a fine actor, starring in some classics such as Radical Jack, The Spy Next Door and The Hannah Montana Chronicles. Come on down Mr. Billy Ray Cyrus, you are this week’s winner.

Mr. Ray Cyrus was born on August 25^th, 1961 in Kentucky (country singer, duh. Survive) to a Ron Cyrus and Ruth Ann Casto. His father was a politician, so I’m not sure whether this Ruth was a mistress, but from my experience, politicians demand that the women in their life have the same last name specifically to avoid nosy-nancies like myself jumping to wild conclusions. His grandfather was a preacher having Mr. Ray Cyrus’ dad play guitar for the worship band. Mr. Ray Cyrus tried to learn how to play guitar on his father’s, but couldn’t do it because he was left handed, while his pop (just a little bit of country slang) was right handed. Then he went to college where sometime in the eighties he got a record deal. Now, according to my credible sources he never actually learned how to play guitar. They’ve skipped right over any of the musical influence most people have. Kurt Cobain followed the older kids around picking up the guitar from here and there. Mr. Chad Kroeger was born with the rock gene in his veins. I.C.P. went to the streets to learn the lingo of rhythm. I don’t think Mr. Ray Cyrus was born with the talent, but I do think he only needed to desire to have the talent for him to obtain it. He uses his brain power to wish he had something and then it just happens. It has got to be genetic because both his children also have this quality. Mind Power!

He then scurried off to Los Angeles (Duh, survive. Check last week’s study to learn more about LA) in attempts of starting a real musical career. All those suits in LA (Land of the Amazing) told Mr. Ray Cyrus that he was too country to make it as a musician in their small, modest town. This confused our study because Nashville had told him he was too rock ‘n’ roll. What’s the deal rec execs! Make up your mind! A lot of normal humans would have given up at this point and moved back home to follow in their father’s footsteps. Only a man qualified for natural selection would have continued on. Mr. Ray Cyrus decided instead of calling it quits he was going to pull out the stops, and he wrote the anthem, “Achy Breaky Heart.”

You don’t know that one? That’s why you’re not a survivor.

He then went on to record a handful (11) more albums that never reached the commercial success of his one hit. But have I told you about what Paul Thomas Anderson said? “Maybe I'll make some clunkers, maybe I'll make some winners, but I guess the way that I really feel is that Magnolia (1999) is, for better or worse, the best movie I'll ever make.” This is kind of how Mr. Ray Cyrus views his career. He may not hit that amazing plateau where “Achy Breaky Hear” sits, but at least he was once there. Some stars get to that point and forget what it was like, so they go on to try and achieve it again. Mr. Ray Cyrus got a look at the big picture and he took that knowledge and put it into his quality to desire and realize.

He acted in some movies and shows. Handsome.

Then he made a prodigy! How many people can say they’ve done that? Not too many, I would imagine. I haven’t done it, I’m just studying these people so I will be one of the select few to make it in the end.

In 1992, Mr. Ray Cyrus welcomed Destiny Hope to the world. No good? He welcomed Miley Cyrus to the world. Still? Hannah Montana. She has created a career almost bigger than her father’s. Why would someone want their child to be better at music and acting, though? That seems mighty foolish, Joe. They wouldn’t want to get picked over because they created a more perfect being. I know, I agree, but here is what is so smart about his strategy. With Miley Mr. Ray Cyrus has covered all his bases. Say the Natural Selection Fairy comes down and says she only has room for one more rock god. Mr. Ray Cyrus and Chad “Here is your nickel back” Kroeger stand side by side. Who is the fairy going to pick? Does it matter? Miley is already on the boat saving a spot for Mr. Ray Cyrus. He birthed her (sort of) and as a thank you she is going to take care of him when his “Achy Breaky Heart” isn’t enough to get him on the boat.

Now, for a words of wisdom from this week’s NS:

“Well, I can't write a song on purpose, my songs come in a moment of inspiration or desperation.”

Oh, Mr. Ray Cyrus. There’s no need to be modest here. We all know the truth.

Kim Kardashian

Hello and welcome to Survival of the Fittest. This is a “blog” in which I study why certain people are better than others through the miracles of natural selection.

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My oh my do we have a busy bee this week. When I read about The Beastie Boys, Quentin Tarantino, P.T. Anderson or Daniel Day-Lewis I wonder why these take their time between projects. They’re so good and they need to share their wealth of talent with the world. Then the smart voice in the back of my head says, but Joe, they put out quality work each time because they decide to take their time with each project. That’s the point, little guy. If they were to pump movie and album out like Meryl Streep or Ryan Reynolds they wouldn’t be known as geniuses. So that makes sense now. Thanks voice. But then I see someone like our study this week and it makes me curse that stupid little voice.

This week we have an American celebutante, socialite, television personality, producer, actress, and model. She also is the daughter of a well-known attorney. She is widely known for a sex tape and being a reality television star. She has also launched multiple fragrances, guest starred on numerous shows and competed on ABC's Dancing with the Stars. What a busy little bee! Please welcome this week’s natural selection, Kimberly Noel Kardashian, or just Kimmy K.

Ms. Kimmy K was born in the only place worth living, Los Angeles, California. I’m continually amazed that so many strong, amazing human beings live in LA. If we all want to live a longer, more fulfilling life we all need to pack our shit and head to the land of stars. Her father was attorney and movie music mogul, Robert Kardashian. This is actually where Kimmy K got her start, at the music marketing firm, Movie Tunes. Maybe you’ve heard of them? If you like movies in the actual theatre, then yes you have because that’s what you’re listening to: Movie Tunes is the playlist that loops before the preshow even starts. You’ll need to get to the theatre an hour early to hear what Kimmy K was born from.

Now! She started acting with bit parts, (although hilarious and stealing each show she guest starred) on different sitcoms such as How I Met Your Mother and 90210: Next Generation or whatever the hell it was called. After award winning roles in both of these shows she was able to start producing and starring in different reality programs. I’m not going to go into the details on these because reality television is for the lesser humans. There isn’t artistic merit to such a program. We all know that Kimmy K just did them so she could continue her $5,500,000 per year income. Once you’re used to a certain lifestyle it is hard to break out of that.

She went on to do some modeling (Playboy), putting out different fragrances (perfume?) and participating in a delicious sex-tape scandal! I’d like to point something out about survival of the fittest. These people don’t make mistakes. They have their whole lives essentially planned out. She released this video herself to help Hugh Hefner recognize her so she could begin her modeling career. Duh. She continues to produce (because there isn’t any shame in producing. This is what the smart people do to take advantage of the dummies) reality programming and invent new smells.

But Joe, but Joe, why is she so much better than the rest of us? I know what you’re thinking. She excels in all the different artistic fields with each of her endeavors, but she isn’t able to stick to a single medium like I.C.P. or Stephanie Meyer. I know I know, and I’ll answer your question with one of my own. Why would you want to be bored in life? Trying to master something is part of the fun. Failing less with each attempt is the whole idea in getting better. Once you’ve made the perfect product there aren’t a whole lot of reasons to keep trying. This is what Kimmy K has done. She has perfected each field she dips into. So now she will continue to be famous (because that isn’t something you master, it’s kind of like a gender) because she is so used to it. She will continue making five million dollars a year and produce reality programming because she enjoys a simple life. She doesn’t want to fail over and over again, cutting her ear off in frustration like some baby. She is, and I know most of you will agree, the perfect specimen. She is the prime example of a human being.

Now for a quick piece of wisdom from this week’s NS:

“I think my sense of style is evolving. I'm figuring out ways to be sexy without having to flaunt it.”

Read between the lines people. She already knows that she is evolving faster than all of us. If a nuclear holocaust occurred there would be three people left afterward: Kimmy K, Ms. Rivers and Gary Busey. There are things we can learn. There are so many things we can learn from these survivors.

Joan Rivers: AKA Joan Alexandra Molinsky Sanger Rosenberg

Hello Hello and welcome to Survival of the Fittest. This is a “blog” in which I study why certain people are better than others through the miracles of natural selection.

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Let me ask you, who is known for her brash manner; her loud, raspy voice with a heavy New York accent; and her numerous cosmetic surgeries? Someone who has made a career out of making fun of peoples fashion sense, while looking like a horrid manikin from the Home Alone movies. Yes, yes! You guessed it, Joan Alexandra Molinsky Sanger Rosenberg, also known as Joan Rivers.

Is that not doing it for you?

Ah, there we go.

While I was doing my research for this week’s study I noticed something strange. Many of my credible sources didn’t have any information on the year Ms. Rivers (Ms. Alexandra Molinsky Sanger Rosenberg) was born. I thought that was fairly strange so I went to the corporate machine (imdb.com) to dig a little deeper. This questionable site claims that she was born on June 8^th, 1933. Hmmm. 1933? That seems a little convenient, wouldn’t you say, readers? That just happens—let me emphasize just happens—to be two days after the first drive-in movie theatre was erected in Camden, New Jersey. Did I mention that imdb.com claims that she was born in Brooklyn? Might I also add that this was the year the United States repealed the prohibition act? Now, stop me if you think I’m going a little overboard here, but we’ve all seen the photographs. I think that she was not only alive during prohibition, but I think she was running her own little bootlegging operation. Why else would a woman choose to have so much plastic surgery? We all saw Smokin’ Aces, right? The veil is being lifted people! How many operations did Sparazza have? About half a dozen if I remember correctly and he was changing his appearance once. How many has Joan Rivers had? Over a dozen! And those are just the ones on the books! Now I’m calling bullshit on the 1933 birthday and I’m going to say that she was probably born around 1894. Yes, that would make her approximately 117 years old. Scientists have said that the human to live past the age of 120 has been born, but I don’t think they realized how close that person is to living past the actual number.

Now, now, I know what you’re thinking. When did Joe stop studying natural selection and move on to crazy Mel Gibson conspiracy theories (note: Before Crazy Ol’ Uncle Mel was insane-insane. I don’t advocate his recent lifestyle habits). Well that’s why I’m going to be a halt to the theories of her age, but this all orbits back to the fact that Joan Rivers is the longest living human in recent recorded history. How has she lived this long? What makes her so much better than the rest?

First of all is the modesty. I can confidently say that she still wouldn’t be around if we all knew her real age. Doctors would be probing her day and night trying to find her dietary secret. They just don’t realize that it’s not just about the substances we put in our bodies. It also has to be with the way we lead our lives and Joan Rivers is willing to forego the glamour of being the human terminator for a longer life. She doesn’t want to toot her own horn, but would rather remain humble and continue giving the world laughter.

Moving on we can see that she doesn’t fixate on herself. You may say, But Joe, she’s had so much surgery. She has to be vain to some degree. Ah, but didn’t you pay attention before? She needed to do that to protect her true identity. She went to college in the fifties as Joan Rivers. Soon thereafter she started starring in movies and appearing on talk shows. If the gangsters saw the real face on television they would have tracked her down and taken her out. So it was a give and take. She took a new form so she could give the world comedy and advice. So she doesn’t fixate on herself. She is more about helping other people in their fashion. How else would we know what to wear and what not to wear without Ms. Rivers’ keen eye for beauty?

She has surrounded herself by beautiful people and beautiful things. She’s given herself a selfless mission that requires her continuation in life to complete. A goal has been set. If she’s gone we won’t have anyone with such a broad perspective of beauty to base our outer appearances. She has used her brain to establish herself in two different industries, first the illegal bootlegging and then the more sincere show business.

Pay attention to what this woman says and does because we will always be able to learn something from her. Now for a quick word of wisdom from this weeks NS:

“I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.”

See that? Now aren’t you a little mad at your parents for telling you stay in shape? All you actually needed was diamonds.

Lil’ (Little) Wayne aka: Dwight Michael Carter, Jr.

Hello Hello and welcome to Survival of the Fittest. This is a “blog” in which I study why certain people are better than others through the miracles of natural selection.

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Who swept the Grammy’s a few years ago? And by swept I mean won a single Grammy for best rap album. Although, this particular rap album sold one million copies, in the first week. Yeah! In the first week this gentleman sold more records that many popular artists ever sell. So we have a best selling musical genius that had to go away from society for a full eight months and still lived to tell his tale. This is the one and only, Lil’ (Little) Wayne AKA Dwight Michael Carter, Jr.

Mr. Wayne was the youngest rapper to ever achieve a record deal with Cash Money Records. This is one tip-off to why he is so much better than all of us chumps who are going to die any day now. Imagine a refrigerator that is on an uneven surface. Say you’re a cat, I’m a dachshund and Mr. Wayne is a cockroach. When that son of a bitch falls over there is only one of us who is going to survive. Yes, you guessed it, Mr. Wayne the cockroach.

So here is a Little Mr. Wayne, only nine years old and he already has such a grasp on the English language that he is rapping with the big boys (e.g. Juvenile and Turk) and obtaining massive success! He went on to record an album called Tha Block is Hot which reached platinum status (selling over one million copies.) Then he made a couple boring albums that no one cares about. Yawn. Then decided to pay respect to his family by recording three albums titled Tha Carter, Tha Carter II and Tha Carter III. Inventive.

See this is where a lot of artists seem to fall off track. They try to make things too complex and thought provoking. Look at the Beatles for instance. They made the White Album (with a simple white cover) and it was a hit! Then they broke up and certain men named John tried doing things that would have had people thinking and BOOM, there’s a dead Beatle. Mr. Wayne realized that there is success in simplicity. He also realizes that there is survival in simplicity.

I’m running this and I can jump the hurdles

I’m feelin like I’m racin a bunch of little turtles

Keep a bandanna like the ninja turtles

I’m like a turtle when i sip the purple

Do you see what he did there! Why think of different words when you can recycle “turtle” three times and then try to rhyme it with purple. He is on to something that maybe Chad Kroeger or I.C.P. aren’t even aware of.

So I think I’ve pretty well proven that Mr. Wayne is a lyrical genius and a musical prodigy. The only question left on this subject is whether he’s hit his full potential—I think not—but only time will tell.

Now, did you know that Mr. Wayne has four kids? Four of them! That’s enough to form the backing band for his Rock ‘n’ Roll career. His first child was born when he was fifteen with his high school sweetheart. But that relationship didn’t really work out. Thank God, because we all know that nothing will ruin a career like a woman, right Yoko? So he continued banging groupies (because that’s what musical prodigies do, duh) and three more kids popped out along the way. Let me make something clear at this point. Four different babies from four different ladies. Mr. Wayne knows how to keep his seed rotating and in that he will never be tied down. He can continue reproducing and in turn, create an army to back him for when the nuclear holocaust presents itself. If you want to survive World War III then you’d better start kissing Mr. Wayne’s ass.

And he also went to prison, but I can’t find too much information on that either because (A) It never happened and we’ve all been punk’d, (B) it was an agreement like that of Hancock’s and Mr. Wayne is a humble man and doesn’t want to toot his own whistle, or (C) he put his time in like a real man and again proved he is humble, but without the superhero powers. I’m probably going with B.

Now for some words of wisdom from this weeks NS:

“I don’t want a broken heart because I’ll lose the pieces.”

Just keep moving that seed around and you won’t have a problem, sir. We salute you.

Sylvester Stallone

Welcome to my new internet sensation! Why are some people better than others? It's adaptation and working with the dangers of the world. It is Survival of the Fittest.

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Every Hollywood gets their start in pornography. Have you ever wondered where this myth comes from? I assume you haven’t, because I, as well as most everyone else, just figured this was an age-old truth, i.e. we didn’t think there was an origin. But with some research I’ve found the beginning. This Academy Award nominated actor/writer (and director, but he hasn’t been nominated for this skill so who cares!) made the myth into reality. Does the name The Italian Stallion ring any bells? Yes, the legendary action man, Sylvester Stallone is this week’s pick for Natural Selection.

Stallone was born in New York City. Do you know what that means? Essentially, that this guy is street smart. No wonder he made it in Hollywood (after a quick dip in movies like The Party at Kitty and Stud’s), the man knew what he was doing before he actually did it. Also, his father was a barber. A barber! Have you ever wondered why Sly is always looking so damn good? I used to until I read that.

I’d like you all to know that Stallone did enroll into a theatre arts program. He came inches away from graduated, but proved to the kids of America that you can drop out of school and still be nominated for two Oscars. He opted to write scripts under the pseudonyms, Q. Moonblood and J.J. Deadlock. No fucking wonder this man is the king of action movies!

So then the 90’s hit and along with it the rise of independent cinema. And a bunch of assholes starting worrying about realism in film. The era of action began its downward slope and as the years rolled on Stallone started to seem a bit outdated. It got to the point where no one really knew where this man had gone, but then he made his comeback with Rocky Balboa in 2006. The film did well! So he made Rambo and that did just as well! Then he made the granddaddy of comebacks with The Expendables. Now now now, I know what you’re thinking. Some of you out there (h8ers) would say that Sly was too self-aware in the process of constructing this film. They would say he knew he needed to make a shitty action movie, but couldn’t find the bicep strength to let it be just that. He forgot when he made Cliffhanger he thought he was making a good movie, not a bad action flick. So with The Expendables, he tried making an updated throwback, and Black Dynamite says, “The shame is, half these people don't know what y'all talking about.”

So why is Sylvester Stallone the pick for Natural Selection? Because he died from Hollywood, but was able to revive himself and make his own comeback! He didn’t need a Tarantino or Rodriguez (we're not counting Spy Kids III because that didn't really work) to write a part specifically for him. He did that himself! And it fucking worked! He used his muscles as eye candy, and his brains to write the perfect roles (for his own gain).

Now a word of wisdom from this week’s NS:

“I am a sensitive writer, actor and director. Talking business disgusts me. If you want to talk business, call my disgusting personal manager.”

Don’t you know you need to be sensitive with your artwork for it to be meaningful? This guy does.

Stephenie Meyer

Hello ladies and gents. It’s been awhile since my last study, and for that I apologize. I’ve been deep in the wildness of the world and finding more and more people who deserve to be praised. Welcome to the sixth installment of Natural Selection. This is a study of people who survive because they are the fittest. It may be due to brainpower or physical strength, but ultimately they have outlived a lot of people.

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Some animals survive because they are fast. They can speed along the raceways of life and devour the food they need to continue living. Some animals are strong. They manhandle the life out of weaker animals for the food they need. Some animals are clever. There is a certain spider that hides under a trapdoor, only to spring out and kill for the food it needs. Then there are the more intelligent animals. The ones who invented guns and poison. And then the minority of these animals, who found better ways to use guns and poison. They are able to unlock their mind power by using words, thus leading a mass amount of people to follow them. The stronger party doesn’t always win the war, it’s the party who has more dedicated soldiers.

So who has sold over 100 million copies of their books? Someone who has had their literature translated into thirty-seven languages? A person who was ranked at number 49 on Time Magazine’s top 100 most influential people, and number 26 of Forbes 100 most powerful celebrities, and has an annual earning of over 50 million dollars?

Yes, that’s right. Twilight franchise creator Stephenie Meyer.

Now, unlike Lauren Conrad, Meyer went to college and got a BA in English. So she works in the same field as what she went to school for! That just doesn’t happen. This may give us a little idea that Meyer may in fact have superpowers, AKA physic. She can see into the future people! How else could Twilight be the first piece of writing she ever pursued! She never even tried to write a short story before she had a spooky dream about vampires and werewolves. Yes, you heard me right. She had a dream and woke up thinking it would be an idea worth spawning four books and a spin-off novella, as well as a graphic novel and five films. And a goddamn legion of fans! I don’t have a doubt in my mind that Meyer can see into the future. She has powers and this makes her a highly evolved being!

She is married and has three kids with her husband of sixteen years. She said she didn’t have many aspirations in life until she gave birth to her first son. She just wanted to be a mom at that point. Until she realized that she could make over 50 million dollars with a genre. Even her husband, the auditor, decided to quit his job so he could be a househusband. That girl needs to write, guy. You did the right thing!

Meyer is also an active member of the Church of Jesus Christ and the Latter Day Saints. Many celebs (celebrities) would be wary of disclosing this bit of information in fear of losing fans, but again, Meyer can see into the future so she decided it would be safe to share her religious beliefs. And this also explains why the movies decide to cut away from any overt violence and sex. Although, I did hear a dirty rumor that Edward Cullen bangs Bella so hard that the bed breaks? I don’t really know where that fits in, but I’m sure Meyer knows what she’s doing.

So Meyer is a woman who came in and revived, yes revived, a dead genre. No one cared about vampires until this girl came around and told us that vampires are something worth looking at. I thank you, Mrs. Meyer. And beyond that, she had made millions upon millions of dollars doing it. Does any author actually make a million dollars? She has exceeded her own expectations and proved that being highly evolved pays off!

Now, a word from wisdom from our Natural Selection:

“I like the night. Without the dark we’d never see the stars.”

Yes, and without the sun we’d never see vampires sparkle. Thank you Mrs. Meyer. It has been a pleasure.

Jaden Smith

Welcome to the fifth installment of my internet sensation, Joe's Study of Natural Selection. For any first timers, this is looking at survival of the fittest and why these superior beings are still alive and kicking it on our big blue planet earth.

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1998. What happened twelve years ago? Steven Spielberg won best director at the Academy Awards for Saving Private Ryan. Bill Clinton was President. Goo Goo Dolls were at the top of the music charts. And the year the recipient of this Natural Selection was born.

I know, I know. You don’t need to say it. How can you do a study on a child? What has he been through that he should be allowed to be included with entertainers at the caliber of Freddy Prinze, Jr., I.C.P., Lauren Conrad and Chad Kroeger? Well, I’ll tell you and I assure, little Jaden Smith belongs on this blog as much as any of the previous selections.

Jaden Smith (little Jade-man) started acting because of his mom and dad, Will and Jada Pinkett-Smith. I don’t necessarily mean inspired either. He is in the movie business because his parents are very talented and famous. They can do anything they want! So basically, the bare bones, is little Jade-man has some very nice connections. That’s how life works for everyone. That’s how I got my high paying job! Thanks Eric! ALTHOUGH, Jaden Smith has some acting chops. He proved this by wowing critics and audiences alike with his performance in The Pursuit of HappYness. Now I don’t want to yammer on about things I don’t know anything about (I never did see The Pursuit of HappYness), but I did see the theatrical trailer a few times. DAMN! ACTING! Some people would say Will Smith carried the whole movie and little Jade-man was just along for the ride. I would have to disagree. I often like to gloat about how I saw the trailer for The Last King of Scotland (never saw the movie) and I correctly predicted an Oscar win for Forest Whitaker. So I sort of know what I’m talking about here. Little Jade-man has gone on to co-star in The Day the Earth Stood Still with Keanu Reeves. I did watch that one! And moving on, he’ll be starring in The Karate Kid this summer with Jackie Chan.

Yes, impressive filmography, but why is he better than the dead? First of all, he is a child. This means that he has a weaker immune system than strong men such as Nicolas Cage and myself. Long days on the set should cripple this boy, but he’s pumping on. I must admit that he is the spawn of Will Smith (star of Bad Boys and Bad Boys II) so he does have a step up on Haley Joel Osment, Jake Lloyd and Jonathan Lipnicki. But little Jade-man continues to make movies and look good doing it.

The other reason he belongs in my study is his career choices. The original Day the Earth Stood Still came out in 1951 and would be classified as a cult classic. This film has fan boyz. The Karate Kid came out in 1984 and again is a frequently quoted movie with a mass following. I’ve got to admit that I’m surprised with the lack of an assassination attempt on little Jade-man. Would-be assassins should be attempting to halt production with a murder attempt. Same thing with Jackie Earle Haley. He’s still here! I think it’s the talent. Angry fan boyz see the movies and are instantly blown away by the quality of acting. Well done, little Jade-man.

Now for a quick word of wisdom from our youth:

“I’m going to buy my parents’ house…I’m going to give them a little apartment.”

Way to thank your connections little Jade-man.