Joan Rivers: AKA Joan Alexandra Molinsky Sanger Rosenberg

Hello Hello and welcome to Survival of the Fittest. This is a “blog” in which I study why certain people are better than others through the miracles of natural selection.

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Let me ask you, who is known for her brash manner; her loud, raspy voice with a heavy New York accent; and her numerous cosmetic surgeries? Someone who has made a career out of making fun of peoples fashion sense, while looking like a horrid manikin from the Home Alone movies. Yes, yes! You guessed it, Joan Alexandra Molinsky Sanger Rosenberg, also known as Joan Rivers.

Is that not doing it for you?

Ah, there we go.

While I was doing my research for this week’s study I noticed something strange. Many of my credible sources didn’t have any information on the year Ms. Rivers (Ms. Alexandra Molinsky Sanger Rosenberg) was born. I thought that was fairly strange so I went to the corporate machine (imdb.com) to dig a little deeper. This questionable site claims that she was born on June 8^th, 1933. Hmmm. 1933? That seems a little convenient, wouldn’t you say, readers? That just happens—let me emphasize just happens—to be two days after the first drive-in movie theatre was erected in Camden, New Jersey. Did I mention that imdb.com claims that she was born in Brooklyn? Might I also add that this was the year the United States repealed the prohibition act? Now, stop me if you think I’m going a little overboard here, but we’ve all seen the photographs. I think that she was not only alive during prohibition, but I think she was running her own little bootlegging operation. Why else would a woman choose to have so much plastic surgery? We all saw Smokin’ Aces, right? The veil is being lifted people! How many operations did Sparazza have? About half a dozen if I remember correctly and he was changing his appearance once. How many has Joan Rivers had? Over a dozen! And those are just the ones on the books! Now I’m calling bullshit on the 1933 birthday and I’m going to say that she was probably born around 1894. Yes, that would make her approximately 117 years old. Scientists have said that the human to live past the age of 120 has been born, but I don’t think they realized how close that person is to living past the actual number.

Now, now, I know what you’re thinking. When did Joe stop studying natural selection and move on to crazy Mel Gibson conspiracy theories (note: Before Crazy Ol’ Uncle Mel was insane-insane. I don’t advocate his recent lifestyle habits). Well that’s why I’m going to be a halt to the theories of her age, but this all orbits back to the fact that Joan Rivers is the longest living human in recent recorded history. How has she lived this long? What makes her so much better than the rest?

First of all is the modesty. I can confidently say that she still wouldn’t be around if we all knew her real age. Doctors would be probing her day and night trying to find her dietary secret. They just don’t realize that it’s not just about the substances we put in our bodies. It also has to be with the way we lead our lives and Joan Rivers is willing to forego the glamour of being the human terminator for a longer life. She doesn’t want to toot her own horn, but would rather remain humble and continue giving the world laughter.

Moving on we can see that she doesn’t fixate on herself. You may say, But Joe, she’s had so much surgery. She has to be vain to some degree. Ah, but didn’t you pay attention before? She needed to do that to protect her true identity. She went to college in the fifties as Joan Rivers. Soon thereafter she started starring in movies and appearing on talk shows. If the gangsters saw the real face on television they would have tracked her down and taken her out. So it was a give and take. She took a new form so she could give the world comedy and advice. So she doesn’t fixate on herself. She is more about helping other people in their fashion. How else would we know what to wear and what not to wear without Ms. Rivers’ keen eye for beauty?

She has surrounded herself by beautiful people and beautiful things. She’s given herself a selfless mission that requires her continuation in life to complete. A goal has been set. If she’s gone we won’t have anyone with such a broad perspective of beauty to base our outer appearances. She has used her brain to establish herself in two different industries, first the illegal bootlegging and then the more sincere show business.

Pay attention to what this woman says and does because we will always be able to learn something from her. Now for a quick word of wisdom from this weeks NS:

“I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.”

See that? Now aren’t you a little mad at your parents for telling you stay in shape? All you actually needed was diamonds.