The Bay

Hello and welcome to Survival of the Fittest. This is a "blog" in which I study why certain people are better than others through the miracles of natural selection. 

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Over here at the offices of Natural Selection research we’ve been taking a closer look at this summer’s list of blockbusters coming out. This season’s arrival of Battleship has us scratching our heads about whether or not the movie based on a children’s board game is going to actually be goodt. Our instinct tells us that it will not. It will crash and burn, showing the studios that we as an American population can see beyond quick cash grabs with flashy effects and mindless explosions. Well, that’s what we initially thought. Then one of our lowly interns brought up a name; a name that built a franchise around a line of popular action figures. This man took small pieces of plastic entertainment and turned it into a three picture Academy Award nominated behemoth. We’ve chosen this man as this week’s study. His films are featured in the prestigious Criterion Collection, a line of home videos that release only the highest quality of art. This man has grossed nearly two billion dollars (a closer number would be $1,847,000,000. Wowee Zowee!) for his artistic endeavors in celluloid. He has been the recipient of a Saturn Award, an achievement in directing from the DGA and a SFX Award. Yes, sirs and ma’ams! You’ve guessed it! The man who was able to prove the marketability of the toy-to-film adaptation with his haunting human dramas. Please join me in a round of applause for Mr. Michael Bay.

Cool jacket!

Michael Benjamin Bay was born on February 17^th 1965. His middle name is fitting what with Benjamin Franklin being the pioneer in finding electricity and The  Bay being the pioneer in finding the deep flow of cash hidden underneath the guise of toys. Unlike Mr. Franklin, The Bay started his career in the film business as a maker of commercials and music videos. He was so good at making these micro-films that he was able to win a few awards. Let us list them: a number of MTV awards (we all know that MTV is continually on the forefront of discovering the up and coming talent), the Grand Prix Clio of the year for his work on the “Got Milk/Aaron Burr” ad, and at the Cannes he won the Gold Lion for his Miller Lite commercial. The man won for the Best Beer campaign! So, basically this guy is a great director. He made a few ads and then shot Bad Boys and whammo! he is the new hott shot in Hollywood. Thing is, usually the hott shots fizzle out after a few pictures and people stop caring. Not for The Bay. He just kept upping his game until he hit the Transformers trilogy. I think we can all safely say that The Bay is finally hitting his stride. What other directors have the power to make three movies and decide to reboot it? That’s usually what the studios decide. It wasn’t Sam Raimi’s idea to fire Kirsten Dunst and Tobey Mcquire and hire the newest and hottest stars. It was the studio’s decision. So what does that make The Bay? He is an entity that can create power from nothing. He has the wisdom and skills to take a very successful run of films, and just do it again. No one will be the wiser because it’s going to be a completely different story. This time a girl will find the robot cars and they’ll be thrown into a series of wacky misadventures. It’s going to be like the best installment in the normally stale Karate Kid saga. The only thing cooler than rebooting his already popular movies was when he made a cameo in Bad Boys II. And the only thing cooler than that is the car he was driving was was his actual car, meaning he let his car have its own cameo in the greatest story ever told!

Now, we can all agree that keeping the original cast would benefit the Transformers movies. Or can we? Megan Fox was fired (FIRED!) from the third film and that was the one that grossed the most. This is really what showed The Bay what he needed to do to make a more successful robot movie. But back to Fox, we’ve got to assume that there was a reason she was brutally kicked out of the series. Reports say that she called The Bay a Nazi. Well, he is no such thing! Has she not seen his emotionally moving pieces, Armageddon, The Rock and Pearl Harbor? I couldn’t think of a more American filmmaker other than Mr. Sam Raimi (because Quick and the Dead is the only accurate portrayal of the American roots). So Fox made the mistake of calling an ultra-American a Nazi. Makes sense, but what makes more sense is the covered secret that The Bay and Fox have had sexual relations! That’s how he picks all his sex symbols. I mean, it makes sense, doesn’t it? How would a sea of young men want to have sexual intercourse with a woman that the maker wouldn’t want to also have sexual intercourse with? So he made a sweet love motion to the body of Megan Fox. Was it when they first met? Yes. Wouldn’t that have made her approximately sixteen years of age? Yes. But you know what, that’s what artists have to do. They have to have the sex with the young girls. Polanski did it! Serious artists are allowed to act above the normal, run-of-the-mill American, and the sooner all us Joe Blows realize this fact, the happier we’re all going to be.

Power couple. Fay! Box!

He’s got the hair. He’s got the car. He’s got the style. This is the moment when I usually recap what in this person’s life have transcended them to the level of surviving above the rest, but The Bay is the antithesis of surviving. He hasn’t changed his hairstyle in forty years because it looks great on him. He doesn’t need to change the way he makes movies because that is the highest artistic peak that anyone will obtain. His car will always be the best car in the world. If I were to pay one trillion dollars for the car he drives now, I’ll only have the second best car in the world because he’d be bound to replace the old with the new, leaving his seconds with that fitting classification. No one will ever be as good as this man. He’s like Kevin Bacon from X-Men: First Class, taking the power around him and absorbing it to make himself more powerful. If anyone gets close to being a better selection, The Bay will take the best qualities and add them to his own. There are no cracks.

1996

2012

And now, a quote from this week’s NS:

“There are tons of people who hate me. They hate my movies and whatnot. But you know, hey, my films have made a lot of money around the world. 2-something billion dollars, that's a lot of tickets. They said that I wrecked cinema. They said that my, uh...cutting style. They say I cut too fast. And yet now you see it in movies everywhere. Do I take pride in people knowing my style? I think it's nice people know a director has a style. And you can reinvent yourself too.”

They only say they hate you because they really love you, but know they can never be as great as you, The Bay. Don’t let it get you down. Just let it lift you higher.

George Lucas

Hello and welcome to Survival of the Fittest. This is a "blog" in which I study why certain people are better than others through the miracles of natural selection.

There are animals that when threatened will rear up and knock the shit out of you. Look at bears, lions and snakes for examples. Some animals will even vomit in their mouth and then spit said vomit into your face. See Llamas. Then there are the others, the ones that will act cowardly to save themselves. The Red Bark Spider will bend its legs up and roll over to appear dead, waiting until the threat has left the corpse for something better. Only then will it come alive and continue its hunt for beetles. The Potato Bug will curl into a ball to protect itself when frightened. Turtles even! Look at turtles!

What I'm getting at here with the animal talk is that surviving doesn't mean destroying. It's simply securing the continuation of your life. Like this round's study. He showed how vital and important he could be to the film industry, and then took it away. It wasn't until he thought hte state of cinema could sustain his vision that he chose to return. This is the man behind the most successful franchise of all time. He is part of the Three Musketeers of Film (more on this later)! Please welcome to the stage, George Lucas!

Now if you live on the Planet Naboo (Get it! Get it! Jar Jar Binks motherfuckers!), you may not have heard of the legend George Lucas, or his baby, Star Wars.

Mr. Who?

So here comes the history lesson. Mr. George Lucas was born in 1944 in California (Duh. Survive). His dad owned his own business and blah-blah-blah...Georgie wanted to be a pro racecar driver in his late teens! Professional fucking raceCAR DRIVER! Then he had a little car accident in high school and decided maybe life in the fast lane wasn't for him. The end. Whatever. Quitter. Maybe?

He instead decided to go to film school. While succeeding in the science fiction genre he won the opportunity to hang out with Frank Coppola. They became friends and all the kids called them teh Dynamic Duo. They even formed a company together called American Zoetrope, being a company that bred envy in all other filmmakers.

Dynamic Duo

The envy wasn't surprising because Coppola was making some of history's greatest flicks (see: The Godfather, Apocalypse Now). Lucas, on the other hand, didn't want to make boring movies. He had a different style in mind. He made the masterful THX-1138, a jarring look at sci-fi (I haven't actually seen this movie), and then went on to make the silly Ron Howard romp, American Graffiti (nor this one). AG was a huge hit and won Lucas a Golden Globe and was nominated for the Academy Awards and whatever. He didn't care! He had his eyes on the prize! STAR WARS! He used his newly gained clout to make the 1977 classic. After this first installment he passed the director's chair onto Irvin Kershner for The Empire Strikes Back and Richard Marquand for Return of the Jedi. Why? Hold on to your horses! I'm getting there!

So he makes the first movie in '77, then twenty years later comes back and says PREQUEL TIME! in '99. He goes on to make all three, thus completing the perfect duet of trilogies.

Also, he became friends with Steve Spielberg at some point and founded the Three Musketeers of film! with Coppola. And that is what one would call a hell of a career.

For one film, and for all!

Now, I've shown you what an amazing career this man has had, but why does he belong on the list more important than any? Why does he belong on here more so than his two companions in the Musketeers?

Because Lucas is not a bully like the Weinsteins. No, he has much more class and tact. There is a reason he took twenty years to vacation. He didn't want to get big headed for one. Two, because he's modest. Three, and the most important, he cares about all the human beings in the world. He knew Earth wouldn't be able to handle his potential, his power would be too great for all of us. Only Micheal Jordan would be able to withstand the amount of energy Lucas embodies.

Once someone sees true perfection the mind will self-destruct the body, and Lucas is a people person, so he doesn't want that. He wants man to continue to thrive. The fat guy thing is just an act. Sure, he might grow the majority of his beard on his second chin (but that's because he has enough mind power to tell his hair where to grow) and his face looks like he either spent too much time scouting in the sun or he walked up too many stairs, but it's all an act, people. He wants to appear weak so we don't pressure him into showing us his true potential. He likes us, so he has been Prestiging us for our own protection.

"You have no idea. Heh heh."

Remember a few years ago when Marty Scorsese won an Oscar for best director? The Three Musketeers were the ones to present the trophy to him. Some people said that Lucas didn't deserve to be up there because he hasn't won an Oscar, but maybe he was the most deserving because of that fact.

Think about it this way. George Lucas has made the most successful six movie series in the history of everything, AND HE DIDN'T MAKE TWO OF THEM. This is lapping everyone on the track of life, and still, he is not showing us his full potential. Mr. Lucas not so much survives as he coasts. Thank you, Mr. Lucas for showing us some of your shine.

Now for a word from this round's Natural Selection:

"I am simply trying to struggle through life, trying to do God's bidding."

And thank you for "struggling."

May the Force be with you.

Justin Bieber

Hello and welcom to Survival of the Fittest. This is a "blog" in which I study why certain people are better than others through the miracles of natural selection.
When was the last time our culture was rocked by a young musician? I'm not really talking about young in the sense of a twenty-one year old guitar player/singer either. I'm talking young as in not even old enough to call himself an adult. He's probably been too busy to even get his driver's license, considering how many girls are after his nonexistent junk (we can only assume genitalia forms on the eighteenth birthday). The last time that a young musical prodigy presented himself was not the boy band, Hanson, but instead Michael Jackson. The man came down off his mountain of greatness and showed the world what it was to be a God-like human. He commanded respect from all the minions. He won the Living Legend Award at the Grammy's. Martin Scorsese directed his music video for Bad. He was on the cover of his album with a damn tiger! But before he unsheathed this power, he was singing A, B, C's as a young man. The world had the opportunity to see him grow up. And now we are offered a similar prodigy. This boy (who will soon grow into a great man) was voted Artist of the Year at the American Music Awards (and he's Canadian! What a survivor!), and garnered a mass of fans that no other muscial act can claim equal. Please welcome this week's Natural Selection, Justin Bieber.

Mr. Bieber was raised in Stratford, Ontario, Canada. I don't really know where that is exactly, but it is up north, so I'm assuming (I know, I know, ass of u and me), even though I have a knack for this kind of estimation, that he grew up in a cold environment. I'm not saying cold emotionally, but literally. There was probably a lot of snow on the ground. His little born-in-1994-hands were probably pretty cold. But he persevered and chose to pick the road to survival instead of the coal mine! He said to society, "No! I'm not going to give up and take the easy road and get a townie job! I'm going to push through and learn how to play the guitar! No matter how much it hurts my finger tips!" And he did push on by putting up a youtube video that got him a meeting with Usher and the rest is history.

When I said that Bieber's home life wasn't cold, I may have spoken too soon. I didn't read as far in my research as I should have before I started typing away! Oh, sub-mental mistake. This is just another reason I'm not a survivor.

Mr. Bieber's mother gave birth to him when she was eighteen-years-old, proceeding to raise him as a single parent. I don't want to jump to any more conclusions and say that Bieber definitely had a terrible childhood in a one parent house, because that's not always the case! Single mothers have a hard enough time as it is without my saying that the environment was cold. So on that note, Bieber had a higher probability of a rough childhood because single parents don't have a ton of time what with the jobs and the upbringing and stress.

And that is pretty much the history of Bieber. He was born to a single mom, then he learned to play an instrument and sing, and then he made a youtube video. Neat story.

But the boy is so young, Joe! I know that you might think we're unable to learn anything from a boy that hasn't had teh benefit of buying Monarch and puking his guts out legally, but I assure you, he has a lot to teach us. It's not necessarily life experience that dictates natural selection, but instead, the continuation of survival. Bieber is here to show us that it is never too early to start on your retirement. This is a kid who will outlive all of us because he has shown that he is too smart and too savvy in the business of life. His lyrics have built an army of women who would lay down their own lives to protect little JB. He has--and I don't want to imply that he has brainwashed anyone--convinced the told that he is the next big thing. He is bigger than the Beatles! He is a better songwriter than Kurt Cobain! He is prettier than Prince!



Check out these lyrics:



"It's like an angel came and took me to heaven,
Like you took me to heaven, girl"

Holy shit! That never would have worked for me! And this is what is so great about little JB. he has found the medium between being a creeper and being desperate, leaving only adorable to choose from. And this is why he is this week's natural selection. Most people have not been able to find taht middle ground which is why when we're all dying horrible deaths, Bieber is giong to be fed grapes by beautiful women.

Now for some words of wisdom from this week's study:





"We're trying to set up a movie for me in the near future. It's going to be similar to the story of how I got discovered. Kinda like my own version of '8 Mile.'"

But Biebs! You're way better than Eminem. You really shouldn't compare yourself to people that are so much lower on the totem pole. That's okay though, you've got plenty of time to learn all the minor ropes of survival.

The Jersey Shore

Hello and welcome to Survival of the Fittest. This is a “blog” in which I study why certain people are better than others through the miracles of natural selection

Remember back in 1992 when The Real World first aired? It was the show that really started the entire avalanche of reality programming we’re currently living in. If you didn’t live during the time of MTV’s The Real World (we still are actually, The Real World: Las Vegas started in 2011) you don’t really understand the basis of starting a show with real humans in real situations. The plan was to stick a group of strangers into a house or apartment to see how they would react to one another. And they would tape it! It started off as a worthwhile social experiment on a young generation. It showed how different personalities didn’t fit well together in close quarters and really taught us how to deal with one another in uncomfortable situations.

Then everyone started fucking. It became a platform for people to become famous for being assholes in public. The party animal within prevailed and the experiment started to dwindle because the subjects became self-aware. A show like this (when you’re looking at the inner workings of society) will only last a few seasons before it becomes tainted. You can’t continue to run the same experiment when people realize what the advantages are.

So now days they’ve skipped the society angle and jumped right into the fucking. Ladies and gentlemen, I present my first multi-cast study, Jersey Shore.

Jersey Shore is a lot like The Real World in that there is a group of eight people that live in a house together. Only instead of getting a new cast each season to see what new sorts of situations will arise, the producers have chosen to use the same cast three seasons in a row. This show is built off of people having sex and drinking a lot. I’ve tried to watch a few episodes as research, but I just can’t seem to make it all the way through.

The Cast (This would take waaayyyyy too much time to go over all eight, so I’m just going to do the stars):

Nicole Polizzi (Snooki):

This is the hott, runty one. She likes cuddling (banging) and has a boyfriend? I’m not sure how serious they are, but the episode I watched she was on the phone talking to a guy every day. But then one night she slept with one of the other guys, Vinny. He got made fun of by everyone else the next morning. Apparently Snooki is the friend that constantly gets made fun of. All groups of friends has one:

Yeah, it kind of grosses me out that I had to resort to using Dane Cook to show you what I’m talking about, but it’s the most concise way to describe Snooki.

Jenni Farley (JWOWW):

Um, she’s the traditionally hott member of the group. I think she got a boob job the other year and everyone thought it helped her image. In the opening credits you hear her say something like, “Oh yeah, if I want to fuck a guy I’ll bring him home and ride him all night.” That’s not exact, but it’s something like that. And she is probably proud of that! She sits at home at night watching Jersey Shore (because of course they all watch Jersey Shore) and says out loud, “Oh shit yeah, I would. I’m banging this dude right now.” This is all happening while she’s intercourses some dude from the gas station.

Paul DelVecchio (Pauly D):

So this is the one with the hair. From watching the show he seemed to be the most reasonable, actually. You wouldn’t expect it from those muscles and that hair, but I didn’t disagree with how he went about dealing with a situation (not the character, or person? I don’t even know). He was getting dragged into some drama because of the girls (ha! Girls and their drama) and he went into their room and sat down to tell them his side of the story. I think she started to cry and he did his best to make her feel better, but eventually just left the room. I’m not really sure exactly how everything went, but I know I didn’t think he was a dummy.

Michael Sorrentino (The Situation):

He is the comedian. In fact, he did a roast on Donald Trump! Take a look:

Very funny stuff.

Vinny Guadagnino:

Had sex with Snooki.

Okay! Now that we all know who’s who we can get this thing moving along.

This is a show based purely on the young Jersey residents hitting the bars and nailing chicks. Or the young Jersey residents hitting the bars and riding the dudes. Either way, it’s called sex appeal people.

Each night before they go out to the bars the three main men get together in the living room. They call it MVP night. Mike, Vinny and Pauly. Neat! It’s like a club. So MVP gets together in the living room and they have something called “T-Shirt Time.” What’s that, you ask? Oh, I asked myself that very question. The telling sign that this time hasn’t yet happened is MVP lounge in either a tank top or shirtless. They’re showing off their awesome muscles and slamming tattoos (tats, if you’re hip). Then the moment comes.

“It’s T-Shirt Time!” proceeded by MVP putting on their freshly ironed, crisp T-shirts. At this point they’ve initially started the timer for the bomb. They need to get to the bar as quickly as possible, before their shirts lose its stiff quality and begin to look saggy, so they can show off their pounding wardrobes for the girls at the bars.

The bar scenes go on for awhile and it is mostly just the guys dancing to club music and hitting on girls. They always find girls to go back to their place. Hopefully the guys don’t drink too much in fear of bringing home grenades.

Grenades (n): an ugly girl.

Or what they consider ugly. I think there might be some differences in opinion.

So they’ve brought these girls home and once they sober up a little and realize they are in the company of disgusting women, they’ll inevitably mess with them a little (e.g. taking the cutlett and playing catch with it before they just go to bed. Thus leaving the girls to stand awkwardly around the hot tub without any notion of what to do) but it’s all in good fun!

We now have a basis of the kind of lives these folks live? Good. Why are they a natural selection? What makes them better than the rest of us? They have maximized their physical shape, for one.

They’ve harnessed what America loves about entertainment and cashed in on it. That makes them brilliant business minded people. They are able to use their God-given abilities and talents to recognize smart decisions that will positively affect them in the future. I need to gather all my finances together and run down to the gelato stand they work at!

But they’re so mean to other people! I know it might seem like that, but let me try and change your mind about that. The men are mean to the grenades because they think their ugly. Now it’s a known phenomenon at this point that outward appearances pale in comparison to what’s on the inside. Well, genes are genes and the men from Jersey are only protecting the futures of their offspring. They don’t want to birth weak, ugly humans that won’t stand a chance in this cruel world. It might seem like they’re being mean to the people around them, but they are only protecting their family. And like many folks say these days, family first.

They also have the Michael Cera seal of approval!

Thanks George Michael.

Now, for a word of wisdom from this week’s NS:

“[Vinny]'s like my big brother, I love him… but usually you don't have sex with your big brother.” -Snooki

Not usually, but hey, we all make mistakes! It’s probably just a way to keep the good genes in one pool.

Courtney Michelle Harrison AKA Courtney Love

Hello and welcome to Survival of the Fittest. This is a “blog” in which I study why certain people are better than others through the miracles of natural selection

Who is one of the most controversial rock stars of all time? I know, I know, all rock stars are controversial, so that is an unfair question. Like when the Backstreet Boyz came on the scene everyone was like, Whoa fellas, why do you hafta be so danged sexual and they were like, Because we’re young and rebellious and America was like, Oh duh, we (heart) you. No, no, I’m not talking about the Backstreet Boyz here. This is someone who makes them like a boy band.

The selection this week only has one notable award (and that’s pushing it). She was nominated for a Golden Globe for best supporting actress in some boring movie. She was also the front woman for a popular rock band. What she is more known for is dating other famous rock musicians when they need help writing better songs. At the core she is a muse who helps the world hear better music. Come on down Courtney Michelle Harrison, also known as Courtney Love.

At first when I saw her birth name I was astounded at the choice she made in her life. Why would George Harrison’s (of the Beatles. Duh, survive) daughter change her name when she could’ve ridden on the coattails of her famous musician father (Do you hear me, Sean Lennon)? It’s because she wanted to achieve success on her own. She has morals and heart and drive. She’s not in this game of life because she is trying to get an easy ride. Half the fun is trying and failing, because it makes the success an even sweeter honey.

When Love was young her mother left her famous father to be part of a hippie commune in Oregon. I’m not sure if you people know what a commune is, but I went to my credible source and looked up some of the details. Communes in the United States are mainly hippie-based. LSD was what they eat for lunch most days. They share things such as possessions, property and work. Imagine Grapes of Wrath and how they all lived on a farm and survived off the food they grew. That’s kind of like a hippie commune without the drought. And yes, I’m sure there was a sexy stud like Henry Fonda floating around somewhere. It’s the only explanation for Courtney Love’s hunger for sexy men such as Kurt Cobain and Billy Corgan.

Courtney Love busted out of the prison they called a commune and tried to shoplift a shirt (because she was a rock chick from a young age. Duh, survive), but they caught her and she was sent to juvenile hall. My sources are vague at this point, but I’m fairly certain that this is the environment that Love really learned the God-harnessing power of rock. Just like Elvis. She was hooked for life.

Bands were formed and bands fell apart. It’s the life of a rocker who really wants to be in an awesome band. You start meeting people who share common interests and you form unions and see where the music goes and how it changes and that’s the life of a young musician. Courtney Love put her time in and absorbed it all. All of it.

She decided that it wasn’t enough to give the world amazing music from her successful band, Hole. She also needed to embrace the god-given talent of being a muse. She started dating a mister Kurt Cobain in 1991. They wed in 1992 and gave birth to their daughter, Francis Bean, a few months later. Hole’s album, Live Through This sounds a lot like Cobain’s band. There is only one possible explanation. It was the phase Love was going through, a mixture of raw punk mixed with a simple pop twist. She pretty much invented the style where a band goes from quiet verses to rocking choruses.

Cobain saw what Love was doing and felt compelled to write just like it. There was a feeling deep in his stomach that his band needed to sound like his wife’s. He failed, of course, and his band never came close to reaching the success that Hole did. I don’t even remember what his band’s name was. Then he killed himself. There are different theories about the death of Cobain. One is that he didn’t commit suicide at all, but was in fact murdered. And let me tell you, I won’t even go into that theory because it’s asinine. No one hired anyone to kill someone. The most promising theory is that Cobain couldn’t handle his failure to live up to the expectation of being Love’s spouse so he ended it all.

Courtney Love dabbled in different relationships and spread her seed of musedom. Hole’s second most-popular album is titled Celebrity Skin, and it is a goth-rock styled punk.

Then it came out that Love and Billy Corgan were hanging out. I couldn’t believe it. She did it again. A man was so influenced with Love’s influences that he built his band’s sound around it. He basically got popular and famous off a stolen sound.

Love is a survivor because she knows what will make the world love her. She is essentially a queen bee that obtains enough followers for protection. I would kill for Courtney Love, and that is why she is our natural selection. She has an army of worker bees to make her life better and safer. Her brains have mixed with her talents and mixed with her sex appeal and she has created a perfect storm of wonderment.

Now for a quick word of wisdom from our NS:

“But I always wound up being the damn John, when I wanted to be the Paul.”

Some people say John was the most talented Beatle, but it’s hard being the best sometimes.

[Ed. note: George Harrison is not actually Ms. Love's biological father. Her real father is a man named Hank Harrison, a publisher. He is the author of a trilogy of Grateful Dead biographies and a book about Courtney Love being the mastermind behind Kurt Cobain's death.]

Billy Ray Cyrus AKA Hannah Montana's Dad

Hello and welcome to Survival of the Fittest. This is a “blog” in which I study why certain people are better than others through the miracles of natural selection.

Who is the man who spawned one of the most popular kid’s star of all time? This is an American (duh, survive) country music singer who has helped make this genre of music a worldwide phenomenon. This is the man who wrote the iconic song, “Achy Breaky Heart,” an anthem of our nation. His album Some Gave All has sold over twenty million copies. Oh, and did I mention he is a fine actor, starring in some classics such as Radical Jack, The Spy Next Door and The Hannah Montana Chronicles. Come on down Mr. Billy Ray Cyrus, you are this week’s winner.

Mr. Ray Cyrus was born on August 25^th, 1961 in Kentucky (country singer, duh. Survive) to a Ron Cyrus and Ruth Ann Casto. His father was a politician, so I’m not sure whether this Ruth was a mistress, but from my experience, politicians demand that the women in their life have the same last name specifically to avoid nosy-nancies like myself jumping to wild conclusions. His grandfather was a preacher having Mr. Ray Cyrus’ dad play guitar for the worship band. Mr. Ray Cyrus tried to learn how to play guitar on his father’s, but couldn’t do it because he was left handed, while his pop (just a little bit of country slang) was right handed. Then he went to college where sometime in the eighties he got a record deal. Now, according to my credible sources he never actually learned how to play guitar. They’ve skipped right over any of the musical influence most people have. Kurt Cobain followed the older kids around picking up the guitar from here and there. Mr. Chad Kroeger was born with the rock gene in his veins. I.C.P. went to the streets to learn the lingo of rhythm. I don’t think Mr. Ray Cyrus was born with the talent, but I do think he only needed to desire to have the talent for him to obtain it. He uses his brain power to wish he had something and then it just happens. It has got to be genetic because both his children also have this quality. Mind Power!

He then scurried off to Los Angeles (Duh, survive. Check last week’s study to learn more about LA) in attempts of starting a real musical career. All those suits in LA (Land of the Amazing) told Mr. Ray Cyrus that he was too country to make it as a musician in their small, modest town. This confused our study because Nashville had told him he was too rock ‘n’ roll. What’s the deal rec execs! Make up your mind! A lot of normal humans would have given up at this point and moved back home to follow in their father’s footsteps. Only a man qualified for natural selection would have continued on. Mr. Ray Cyrus decided instead of calling it quits he was going to pull out the stops, and he wrote the anthem, “Achy Breaky Heart.”

You don’t know that one? That’s why you’re not a survivor.

He then went on to record a handful (11) more albums that never reached the commercial success of his one hit. But have I told you about what Paul Thomas Anderson said? “Maybe I'll make some clunkers, maybe I'll make some winners, but I guess the way that I really feel is that Magnolia (1999) is, for better or worse, the best movie I'll ever make.” This is kind of how Mr. Ray Cyrus views his career. He may not hit that amazing plateau where “Achy Breaky Hear” sits, but at least he was once there. Some stars get to that point and forget what it was like, so they go on to try and achieve it again. Mr. Ray Cyrus got a look at the big picture and he took that knowledge and put it into his quality to desire and realize.

He acted in some movies and shows. Handsome.

Then he made a prodigy! How many people can say they’ve done that? Not too many, I would imagine. I haven’t done it, I’m just studying these people so I will be one of the select few to make it in the end.

In 1992, Mr. Ray Cyrus welcomed Destiny Hope to the world. No good? He welcomed Miley Cyrus to the world. Still? Hannah Montana. She has created a career almost bigger than her father’s. Why would someone want their child to be better at music and acting, though? That seems mighty foolish, Joe. They wouldn’t want to get picked over because they created a more perfect being. I know, I agree, but here is what is so smart about his strategy. With Miley Mr. Ray Cyrus has covered all his bases. Say the Natural Selection Fairy comes down and says she only has room for one more rock god. Mr. Ray Cyrus and Chad “Here is your nickel back” Kroeger stand side by side. Who is the fairy going to pick? Does it matter? Miley is already on the boat saving a spot for Mr. Ray Cyrus. He birthed her (sort of) and as a thank you she is going to take care of him when his “Achy Breaky Heart” isn’t enough to get him on the boat.

Now, for a words of wisdom from this week’s NS:

“Well, I can't write a song on purpose, my songs come in a moment of inspiration or desperation.”

Oh, Mr. Ray Cyrus. There’s no need to be modest here. We all know the truth.

Kim Kardashian

Hello and welcome to Survival of the Fittest. This is a “blog” in which I study why certain people are better than others through the miracles of natural selection.

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My oh my do we have a busy bee this week. When I read about The Beastie Boys, Quentin Tarantino, P.T. Anderson or Daniel Day-Lewis I wonder why these take their time between projects. They’re so good and they need to share their wealth of talent with the world. Then the smart voice in the back of my head says, but Joe, they put out quality work each time because they decide to take their time with each project. That’s the point, little guy. If they were to pump movie and album out like Meryl Streep or Ryan Reynolds they wouldn’t be known as geniuses. So that makes sense now. Thanks voice. But then I see someone like our study this week and it makes me curse that stupid little voice.

This week we have an American celebutante, socialite, television personality, producer, actress, and model. She also is the daughter of a well-known attorney. She is widely known for a sex tape and being a reality television star. She has also launched multiple fragrances, guest starred on numerous shows and competed on ABC's Dancing with the Stars. What a busy little bee! Please welcome this week’s natural selection, Kimberly Noel Kardashian, or just Kimmy K.

Ms. Kimmy K was born in the only place worth living, Los Angeles, California. I’m continually amazed that so many strong, amazing human beings live in LA. If we all want to live a longer, more fulfilling life we all need to pack our shit and head to the land of stars. Her father was attorney and movie music mogul, Robert Kardashian. This is actually where Kimmy K got her start, at the music marketing firm, Movie Tunes. Maybe you’ve heard of them? If you like movies in the actual theatre, then yes you have because that’s what you’re listening to: Movie Tunes is the playlist that loops before the preshow even starts. You’ll need to get to the theatre an hour early to hear what Kimmy K was born from.

Now! She started acting with bit parts, (although hilarious and stealing each show she guest starred) on different sitcoms such as How I Met Your Mother and 90210: Next Generation or whatever the hell it was called. After award winning roles in both of these shows she was able to start producing and starring in different reality programs. I’m not going to go into the details on these because reality television is for the lesser humans. There isn’t artistic merit to such a program. We all know that Kimmy K just did them so she could continue her $5,500,000 per year income. Once you’re used to a certain lifestyle it is hard to break out of that.

She went on to do some modeling (Playboy), putting out different fragrances (perfume?) and participating in a delicious sex-tape scandal! I’d like to point something out about survival of the fittest. These people don’t make mistakes. They have their whole lives essentially planned out. She released this video herself to help Hugh Hefner recognize her so she could begin her modeling career. Duh. She continues to produce (because there isn’t any shame in producing. This is what the smart people do to take advantage of the dummies) reality programming and invent new smells.

But Joe, but Joe, why is she so much better than the rest of us? I know what you’re thinking. She excels in all the different artistic fields with each of her endeavors, but she isn’t able to stick to a single medium like I.C.P. or Stephanie Meyer. I know I know, and I’ll answer your question with one of my own. Why would you want to be bored in life? Trying to master something is part of the fun. Failing less with each attempt is the whole idea in getting better. Once you’ve made the perfect product there aren’t a whole lot of reasons to keep trying. This is what Kimmy K has done. She has perfected each field she dips into. So now she will continue to be famous (because that isn’t something you master, it’s kind of like a gender) because she is so used to it. She will continue making five million dollars a year and produce reality programming because she enjoys a simple life. She doesn’t want to fail over and over again, cutting her ear off in frustration like some baby. She is, and I know most of you will agree, the perfect specimen. She is the prime example of a human being.

Now for a quick piece of wisdom from this week’s NS:

“I think my sense of style is evolving. I'm figuring out ways to be sexy without having to flaunt it.”

Read between the lines people. She already knows that she is evolving faster than all of us. If a nuclear holocaust occurred there would be three people left afterward: Kimmy K, Ms. Rivers and Gary Busey. There are things we can learn. There are so many things we can learn from these survivors.