Survival of the Fittest: The Jersey Shore

Hello and welcome to Survival of the Fittest. This is a “blog” in which I study why certain people are better than others through the miracles of natural selection

Remember back in 1992 when The Real World first aired? It was the show that really started the entire avalanche of reality programming we’re currently living in. If you didn’t live during the time of MTV’s The Real World (we still are actually, The Real World: Las Vegas started in 2011) you don’t really understand the basis of starting a show with real humans in real situations. The plan was to stick a group of strangers into a house or apartment to see how they would react to one another. And they would tape it! It started off as a worthwhile social experiment on a young generation. It showed how different personalities didn’t fit well together in close quarters and really taught us how to deal with one another in uncomfortable situations.

Then everyone started fucking. It became a platform for people to become famous for being assholes in public. The party animal within prevailed and the experiment started to dwindle because the subjects became self-aware. A show like this (when you’re looking at the inner workings of society) will only last a few seasons before it becomes tainted. You can’t continue to run the same experiment when people realize what the advantages are.

So now days they’ve skipped the society angle and jumped right into the fucking. Ladies and gentlemen, I present my first multi-cast study, Jersey Shore.

Jersey Shore is a lot like The Real World in that there is a group of eight people that live in a house together. Only instead of getting a new cast each season to see what new sorts of situations will arise, the producers have chosen to use the same cast three seasons in a row. This show is built off of people having sex and drinking a lot. I’ve tried to watch a few episodes as research, but I just can’t seem to make it all the way through.

The Cast (This would take waaayyyyy too much time to go over all eight, so I’m just going to do the stars):

Nicole Polizzi (Snooki):

This is the hott, runty one. She likes cuddling (banging) and has a boyfriend? I’m not sure how serious they are, but the episode I watched she was on the phone talking to a guy every day. But then one night she slept with one of the other guys, Vinny. He got made fun of by everyone else the next morning. Apparently Snooki is the friend that constantly gets made fun of. All groups of friends has one:

Yeah, it kind of grosses me out that I had to resort to using Dane Cook to show you what I’m talking about, but it’s the most concise way to describe Snooki.

Jenni Farley (JWOWW):

Um, she’s the traditionally hott member of the group. I think she got a boob job the other year and everyone thought it helped her image. In the opening credits you hear her say something like, “Oh yeah, if I want to fuck a guy I’ll bring him home and ride him all night.” That’s not exact, but it’s something like that. And she is probably proud of that! She sits at home at night watching Jersey Shore (because of course they all watch Jersey Shore) and says out loud, “Oh shit yeah, I would. I’m banging this dude right now.” This is all happening while she’s intercourses some dude from the gas station.

Paul DelVecchio (Pauly D):

So this is the one with the hair. From watching the show he seemed to be the most reasonable, actually. You wouldn’t expect it from those muscles and that hair, but I didn’t disagree with how he went about dealing with a situation (not the character, or person? I don’t even know). He was getting dragged into some drama because of the girls (ha! Girls and their drama) and he went into their room and sat down to tell them his side of the story. I think she started to cry and he did his best to make her feel better, but eventually just left the room. I’m not really sure exactly how everything went, but I know I didn’t think he was a dummy.

Michael Sorrentino (The Situation):

He is the comedian. In fact, he did a roast on Donald Trump! Take a look:

Very funny stuff.

Vinny Guadagnino:

Had sex with Snooki.

Okay! Now that we all know who’s who we can get this thing moving along.

This is a show based purely on the young Jersey residents hitting the bars and nailing chicks. Or the young Jersey residents hitting the bars and riding the dudes. Either way, it’s called sex appeal people.

Each night before they go out to the bars the three main men get together in the living room. They call it MVP night. Mike, Vinny and Pauly. Neat! It’s like a club. So MVP gets together in the living room and they have something called “T-Shirt Time.” What’s that, you ask? Oh, I asked myself that very question. The telling sign that this time hasn’t yet happened is MVP lounge in either a tank top or shirtless. They’re showing off their awesome muscles and slamming tattoos (tats, if you’re hip). Then the moment comes.

“It’s T-Shirt Time!” proceeded by MVP putting on their freshly ironed, crisp T-shirts. At this point they’ve initially started the timer for the bomb. They need to get to the bar as quickly as possible, before their shirts lose its stiff quality and begin to look saggy, so they can show off their pounding wardrobes for the girls at the bars.

The bar scenes go on for awhile and it is mostly just the guys dancing to club music and hitting on girls. They always find girls to go back to their place. Hopefully the guys don’t drink too much in fear of bringing home grenades.

Grenades (n): an ugly girl.

Or what they consider ugly. I think there might be some differences in opinion.

So they’ve brought these girls home and once they sober up a little and realize they are in the company of disgusting women, they’ll inevitably mess with them a little (e.g. taking the cutlett and playing catch with it before they just go to bed. Thus leaving the girls to stand awkwardly around the hot tub without any notion of what to do) but it’s all in good fun!

We now have a basis of the kind of lives these folks live? Good. Why are they a natural selection? What makes them better than the rest of us? They have maximized their physical shape, for one.

They’ve harnessed what America loves about entertainment and cashed in on it. That makes them brilliant business minded people. They are able to use their God-given abilities and talents to recognize smart decisions that will positively affect them in the future. I need to gather all my finances together and run down to the gelato stand they work at!

But they’re so mean to other people! I know it might seem like that, but let me try and change your mind about that. The men are mean to the grenades because they think their ugly. Now it’s a known phenomenon at this point that outward appearances pale in comparison to what’s on the inside. Well, genes are genes and the men from Jersey are only protecting the futures of their offspring. They don’t want to birth weak, ugly humans that won’t stand a chance in this cruel world. It might seem like they’re being mean to the people around them, but they are only protecting their family. And like many folks say these days, family first.

They also have the Michael Cera seal of approval!