Sylvester Stallone

Welcome to my new internet sensation! Why are some people better than others? It's adaptation and working with the dangers of the world. It is Survival of the Fittest.

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Every Hollywood gets their start in pornography. Have you ever wondered where this myth comes from? I assume you haven’t, because I, as well as most everyone else, just figured this was an age-old truth, i.e. we didn’t think there was an origin. But with some research I’ve found the beginning. This Academy Award nominated actor/writer (and director, but he hasn’t been nominated for this skill so who cares!) made the myth into reality. Does the name The Italian Stallion ring any bells? Yes, the legendary action man, Sylvester Stallone is this week’s pick for Natural Selection.

Stallone was born in New York City. Do you know what that means? Essentially, that this guy is street smart. No wonder he made it in Hollywood (after a quick dip in movies like The Party at Kitty and Stud’s), the man knew what he was doing before he actually did it. Also, his father was a barber. A barber! Have you ever wondered why Sly is always looking so damn good? I used to until I read that.

I’d like you all to know that Stallone did enroll into a theatre arts program. He came inches away from graduated, but proved to the kids of America that you can drop out of school and still be nominated for two Oscars. He opted to write scripts under the pseudonyms, Q. Moonblood and J.J. Deadlock. No fucking wonder this man is the king of action movies!

So then the 90’s hit and along with it the rise of independent cinema. And a bunch of assholes starting worrying about realism in film. The era of action began its downward slope and as the years rolled on Stallone started to seem a bit outdated. It got to the point where no one really knew where this man had gone, but then he made his comeback with Rocky Balboa in 2006. The film did well! So he made Rambo and that did just as well! Then he made the granddaddy of comebacks with The Expendables. Now now now, I know what you’re thinking. Some of you out there (h8ers) would say that Sly was too self-aware in the process of constructing this film. They would say he knew he needed to make a shitty action movie, but couldn’t find the bicep strength to let it be just that. He forgot when he made Cliffhanger he thought he was making a good movie, not a bad action flick. So with The Expendables, he tried making an updated throwback, and Black Dynamite says, “The shame is, half these people don't know what y'all talking about.”

So why is Sylvester Stallone the pick for Natural Selection? Because he died from Hollywood, but was able to revive himself and make his own comeback! He didn’t need a Tarantino or Rodriguez (we're not counting Spy Kids III because that didn't really work) to write a part specifically for him. He did that himself! And it fucking worked! He used his muscles as eye candy, and his brains to write the perfect roles (for his own gain).

Now a word of wisdom from this week’s NS:

“I am a sensitive writer, actor and director. Talking business disgusts me. If you want to talk business, call my disgusting personal manager.”

Don’t you know you need to be sensitive with your artwork for it to be meaningful? This guy does.

Stephenie Meyer

Hello ladies and gents. It’s been awhile since my last study, and for that I apologize. I’ve been deep in the wildness of the world and finding more and more people who deserve to be praised. Welcome to the sixth installment of Natural Selection. This is a study of people who survive because they are the fittest. It may be due to brainpower or physical strength, but ultimately they have outlived a lot of people.

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Some animals survive because they are fast. They can speed along the raceways of life and devour the food they need to continue living. Some animals are strong. They manhandle the life out of weaker animals for the food they need. Some animals are clever. There is a certain spider that hides under a trapdoor, only to spring out and kill for the food it needs. Then there are the more intelligent animals. The ones who invented guns and poison. And then the minority of these animals, who found better ways to use guns and poison. They are able to unlock their mind power by using words, thus leading a mass amount of people to follow them. The stronger party doesn’t always win the war, it’s the party who has more dedicated soldiers.

So who has sold over 100 million copies of their books? Someone who has had their literature translated into thirty-seven languages? A person who was ranked at number 49 on Time Magazine’s top 100 most influential people, and number 26 of Forbes 100 most powerful celebrities, and has an annual earning of over 50 million dollars?

Yes, that’s right. Twilight franchise creator Stephenie Meyer.

Now, unlike Lauren Conrad, Meyer went to college and got a BA in English. So she works in the same field as what she went to school for! That just doesn’t happen. This may give us a little idea that Meyer may in fact have superpowers, AKA physic. She can see into the future people! How else could Twilight be the first piece of writing she ever pursued! She never even tried to write a short story before she had a spooky dream about vampires and werewolves. Yes, you heard me right. She had a dream and woke up thinking it would be an idea worth spawning four books and a spin-off novella, as well as a graphic novel and five films. And a goddamn legion of fans! I don’t have a doubt in my mind that Meyer can see into the future. She has powers and this makes her a highly evolved being!

She is married and has three kids with her husband of sixteen years. She said she didn’t have many aspirations in life until she gave birth to her first son. She just wanted to be a mom at that point. Until she realized that she could make over 50 million dollars with a genre. Even her husband, the auditor, decided to quit his job so he could be a househusband. That girl needs to write, guy. You did the right thing!

Meyer is also an active member of the Church of Jesus Christ and the Latter Day Saints. Many celebs (celebrities) would be wary of disclosing this bit of information in fear of losing fans, but again, Meyer can see into the future so she decided it would be safe to share her religious beliefs. And this also explains why the movies decide to cut away from any overt violence and sex. Although, I did hear a dirty rumor that Edward Cullen bangs Bella so hard that the bed breaks? I don’t really know where that fits in, but I’m sure Meyer knows what she’s doing.

So Meyer is a woman who came in and revived, yes revived, a dead genre. No one cared about vampires until this girl came around and told us that vampires are something worth looking at. I thank you, Mrs. Meyer. And beyond that, she had made millions upon millions of dollars doing it. Does any author actually make a million dollars? She has exceeded her own expectations and proved that being highly evolved pays off!

Now, a word from wisdom from our Natural Selection:

“I like the night. Without the dark we’d never see the stars.”

Yes, and without the sun we’d never see vampires sparkle. Thank you Mrs. Meyer. It has been a pleasure.

Jaden Smith

Welcome to the fifth installment of my internet sensation, Joe's Study of Natural Selection. For any first timers, this is looking at survival of the fittest and why these superior beings are still alive and kicking it on our big blue planet earth.

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1998. What happened twelve years ago? Steven Spielberg won best director at the Academy Awards for Saving Private Ryan. Bill Clinton was President. Goo Goo Dolls were at the top of the music charts. And the year the recipient of this Natural Selection was born.

I know, I know. You don’t need to say it. How can you do a study on a child? What has he been through that he should be allowed to be included with entertainers at the caliber of Freddy Prinze, Jr., I.C.P., Lauren Conrad and Chad Kroeger? Well, I’ll tell you and I assure, little Jaden Smith belongs on this blog as much as any of the previous selections.

Jaden Smith (little Jade-man) started acting because of his mom and dad, Will and Jada Pinkett-Smith. I don’t necessarily mean inspired either. He is in the movie business because his parents are very talented and famous. They can do anything they want! So basically, the bare bones, is little Jade-man has some very nice connections. That’s how life works for everyone. That’s how I got my high paying job! Thanks Eric! ALTHOUGH, Jaden Smith has some acting chops. He proved this by wowing critics and audiences alike with his performance in The Pursuit of HappYness. Now I don’t want to yammer on about things I don’t know anything about (I never did see The Pursuit of HappYness), but I did see the theatrical trailer a few times. DAMN! ACTING! Some people would say Will Smith carried the whole movie and little Jade-man was just along for the ride. I would have to disagree. I often like to gloat about how I saw the trailer for The Last King of Scotland (never saw the movie) and I correctly predicted an Oscar win for Forest Whitaker. So I sort of know what I’m talking about here. Little Jade-man has gone on to co-star in The Day the Earth Stood Still with Keanu Reeves. I did watch that one! And moving on, he’ll be starring in The Karate Kid this summer with Jackie Chan.

Yes, impressive filmography, but why is he better than the dead? First of all, he is a child. This means that he has a weaker immune system than strong men such as Nicolas Cage and myself. Long days on the set should cripple this boy, but he’s pumping on. I must admit that he is the spawn of Will Smith (star of Bad Boys and Bad Boys II) so he does have a step up on Haley Joel Osment, Jake Lloyd and Jonathan Lipnicki. But little Jade-man continues to make movies and look good doing it.

The other reason he belongs in my study is his career choices. The original Day the Earth Stood Still came out in 1951 and would be classified as a cult classic. This film has fan boyz. The Karate Kid came out in 1984 and again is a frequently quoted movie with a mass following. I’ve got to admit that I’m surprised with the lack of an assassination attempt on little Jade-man. Would-be assassins should be attempting to halt production with a murder attempt. Same thing with Jackie Earle Haley. He’s still here! I think it’s the talent. Angry fan boyz see the movies and are instantly blown away by the quality of acting. Well done, little Jade-man.

Now for a quick word of wisdom from our youth:

“I’m going to buy my parents’ house…I’m going to give them a little apartment.”

Way to thank your connections little Jade-man.

Chad Kroeger

Hello, and welcome to the fourth installment of my blog that has turned into an internet sensation! Each installment looks at a different human who has stood the test of time and survived. These are people who are much better than the dead, because they are simply living.

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Think about how much kids look up to Rock Gods! Look at Eddie Van Halen, Mick Jagger, Angus Young, Kurt Cobain or any one of the Beatles. Young kids look up to these men. Men look up to these men. Women want to guzzle these men’s gravy. The question we should ask ourselves is simply “why?” Why would these masses of people throw themselves at these human beings? Because of the power of Rock! Kids look up to them because they are following their dreams and passion, men are in awe because these guys can have sex with anyone they want and girls want to blow them because then they have the start of a notable life. This is why we can appreciate a man who has harnessed his talent to show the world that some good can come of being a Rock God. Rock stars don’t have to be the stereotypical selfish creatures. They can give back. Thank you Chad Kroeger for showing other Rock Gods that there is another way.

For those squares who don’t know who Chad Kroeger is (if that’s even possible) he is the lead singer and guitar player for the hard-hitting rock ’n roll group, Nickelback. A quick, little, funny anecdote about the name: Chad Kroeger worked as a barista in Canada and when he would give customers their change he would say, “Here’s your nickel back.” Any normal human would think that this was a simple exchange between people, but that’s why we work boring jobs and Mr. Kroeger makes the big bucks. He thought about what he was saying and the light bulb flashed on. Here’s your nickel back…Nickelback…Holy Shit! That’s the greatest! And he was right.

Nickelback started in the 90’s as grunge was in the last moments of its death rattle. Although, certain bands didn’t want this short era of music to die. Bush, Everclear, Toadies and Nickelback didn’t want to allow the age of Pop to rise again so they continued writing guitar heavy music with gravelly vocals. Nickelback released a couple albums, but didn’t hit it big until their 1998 independent release, The State got picked up by EMI and Roadrunner and given a proper unveiling in 2000 (we all know that independent releases don’t really count for anything). There were two hit singles off of this record, “Leader of Men” and “Breathe.” They weren’t thrown into mega-stardom until they put out Silver Side Up. Oh, I get it, nickels. The single “How You Remind Me” put them into the major leagues of Rock. This album opened doors of success the band could never dream of, and the rest is history.

By now you’re asking me, Joe, you just told me a great story of Rock History, but why does it belong on your site about Natural Selection. Well, I’ll tell you. When nobodies become somebodies, girls notice! Especially when the thing that made you a somebody is a Rock God Band! When girls see a new hott band they instantly want to have sex with the members. The lead singer and guitar player gets the most action. So what happens when the lead singer plays guitar? Orgy. Girls see the band and they don’t want to get with the drummer because drummers are animals. They will bite and tear and it will be a terribly uncomfortable night. Girls don’t even realize bands have a bass player. The guitar player is quiet and mysterious and girls assume he’s just in it for the sex. BUT the lead singer…they sing their hearts out. The lyrics are a window into the heart and soul and girls feel they can trust this man. So Chad Kroeger has had mountains upon mountains of sex with all kinds of girls. And he’s still around. He should be a pool of disease, but he’s still writing great Rock music.

Only he’s not only in it for the girls. He’s here to show the world that people can be better. Just look at his song, “If Today was Your Last Day.”

One stanza of this epic song:

If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late


Could you say goodbye to yesterday?


Would you live each moment like your last?


Leave old pictures in the past?


Donate every dime you had?

I would do everything in this song if I realized today was my last. My wife doesn’t need any of the money I’ve saved, she can sell the house and live on that, but I’ll probably leave a note in my will that I want my house donated to a greater cause than that selfish girl. People have decided to be kinder and more generous and I can safely say that credit can go to Chad Kroeger and crew.

ALTHOUGH, I’m not quite sure how to figure these lyrics out from the NB song, “Figured You Out”:

I like your pants around your feet

And I like the dirt that's on your knees

And I like the way you still say please

While you're looking up at me

You're like my favorite damn disease

Eh, he’s probably talking about politics. We all get it, right? Right?

Now, for some words of wisdom from Mr. Kroeger:

“We are four lucky bastards -- not a day goes by that I don`t wake up and think, `I`m thankful to be able to play music for a living. And to be heard.`”

And you are heard Mr. Kroeger. You are heard.

Lauren Conrad

Welcome to my third installment of my hit internet sensation, Joe's Study of Natural Selection! I've been looking at people in our world that have stood the test of time and continue to live, while others who died couldn't quite hack it. Be it smarts, physical strength or just good, heathy, American manipulation they are the survival of the fittest!

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It’s sad to say, but we live in a world where there are two options for success. On one side you can be talented. This covers the realms of intelligence, wit, competence, natural abilities and the like. We can see examples in Shakespeare, Einstein, Donald Trump and Spielberg. They have taken what God gave them and used these talents to add to the world they inhabit. They were successful because of the talent they were able to hone. On the other side of the spectrum we have beauty. If you have a pretty face and a fantastic smile you’re on your way to the top! It doesn’t matter if you can’t spell colonel, bologna, or triumph. What matters is if you look good in magazines, television and Internet pornography. It’s okay that you don’t have talent because you’re hott. Yes, two T’s hott. Thank you Tyra Banks, Katherine Heigl, Paris Hilton (iffy on the two T’s) and Megan Fox. You’ve shown the world that you don’t need anything but surface value to make a difference.

BUT, someone is showing a new way. She’s creating a new formula. She is telling the youth of America that they can have both, that you don’t have to trade one for the other. Lauren Conrad is fighting the good fight for your nation. She’s letting us know that it’s okay to be super hott as well as a very talented author.

Miss Conrad started her career in reality television. That’s how we know she’s not only naturally beautiful, but also talented! America loves her because she hasn’t been through the entire mechanism of Hollywood, churning out the same kind of role model. She was showing us a new way from the beginning. Her reality show was called Laguna Beach, and not only was it a popular show, but it spawned a spin-off called The Hills. Now, because I’m such an old man I always assumed these two shows were fictional. I had no idea these were real people with real problems. The generation of youth approved of these shows and I applaud them for it. If it wasn’t for their keen eye we wouldn’t have a beautiful, talented writer like Lauren Conrad making the world a better place.

Conrad released a book in 2009 called L.A. Candy. Here is an abridged synopsis from Amazon.com:

Jane is an intern for a famous event planner, [but] things change quickly when a TV producer asks them to be in a new reality series…following their lives as they try to make it in L.A.

OKAY! So we have a girl who moves to Los Angeles to try and make it as an actress or fashion designer or a model or something that someone would inevitably want to be as a just out of high school girl who decides to move to the big city. Of course she’s got to be a hottie because a man wants to follow her around with cameras all day. I haven’t read this novel because it is classified as young adult and I’m much too busy reading the new John Grisham. So I’m not sure how it ends, but I do know that it is the first installment of a trilogy. The second book came out in February of 2010. I’m betting the series ends with the main character writing a trilogy about her experiences.

Now I know what you’re thinking. How could a beautiful young 23 old girl be so talented? She learns from her experiences! She puts all the pain and joy into her writing like any sort of good author would attempt to do. She did move to L.A.! She did want to be a fashion designer! She did get followed around all day by cameras! But she knows how to put a fictional spin on her writing! I won’t let you guys go without a little excerpt from her novel.

The first page from L.A. Candy:

Jane Roberts leaned against her dresser, studying the way her white silk nightie looked against her sun-kissed skin. Her loose blond curls cascaded softly over her shoulders as she pretended not to be interested in the guy in her bed.

“Come over here—or am I going to have to come and get you?”

Jane smiled mischievously at the ground, then raised her face to him, starring into his chocolate brown eyes.

She slinked back to the bed, slid onto the white silk sheets, and nestled next to him.

“Janie, you’re the most amazing girl I’ve ever met. I’m so in love with you, it’s crazy,” he said, gazing into her eyes.

“Really, Caleb?” She smiled, and reached for him…

…and woke up to find herself lying next to some strange, sweaty guy. Some strange, sweaty, half-naked guy. He smelled like bad cologne and armpits and pot.

Welp, I’m sold. I need to go pick this up today. See, I sort of figured it was a dream sequence when everything this girl owned was “white silk,” but I couldn’t be sure. I know how girls like their nighties to match their sheets. It kept me on the edge of my seat. Suspense! And don’t you hate it when you’re having a hott dream about a hott guy and when you wake it up he turns out to be so normal? That is the WORST. I feel that I could really relate to this piece of literature. Lauren Conrad has an amazing insight into the world we live. Thank you Ms. Conrad. She is naturally selected on earth to bring insight, she has survived because like I.C.P., she is aware of the world around her. She can predict bad things because of her vast understanding of L.A. and the subcultures it holds.

Now for some words of wisdom from Lauren Conrad:

There's a difference between good people who do bad things and bad people who do bad things.

I could not have said that better myself.

In other news, Roman Polanski’s 2010 film The Ghost Writer will be on shelves this June.

I.C.P.

Welcome to the second edition of Joe’s Study of Natural Selection. This is an article where I show readers different humans that are still alive and kicking on earth. They have found someway to continue existing with the help of minor evolution. This is survival of the fittest and these NS’s are better than anyone who is dead.

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People would have to imagine that a musical group who are talented enough to earn two platinum and three gold albums would be able to earn a spot in my gallery of Natural Selection. Not only have they sold 6.5 million records, they have also started their own wrestling federation, the Juggalo Wrestling Championship. Could Joseph Bruce and Joseph Utsler please stand up. No one? How about your real names, Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope please stand up. There we go.

Hey guys, remember I.C.P.?

This guy does!

They have evolved in our world and become better than anyone that is not presently on the planet. How is this possible? Well, mostly smarts. They have evolved brains that have kept them out of harm’s way. When Violent J was just a small lad, he joined in on some gang-like activities. In fact, he spent some time in jail due to death threats, robbery and violating probation. After his release he used his brain to discover that gang life was not the path he was intended for, so he began his career in professional wrestling. Wrestling! Now, I’m not sure how well Violent J did in this endeavor, but I’m assuming he was great. How else would he get the street cred he needed to start up the great hip hop group, Inner City Posse? After rising to the top of the wrestling circuit, Violent J got fed up with the backstage politics? Okay, I’ll go with that, there was too much backstabbing and dirty campaigns. So he started a hip-hop group, originally titled the Inner City Posse.

They started out singing gangsta rap. BUT because their music caused violent behavior by their dedicated fan base they decided to switch to more horror-themed lyrics. So to prevent violence they started rapping about murder and rape. Okay! They claim if we dig deeper below the initial words, we’ll find the “message that pertains to trying to save the human soul.” Ah, that’s the problem with these squares today, they haven’t looked at the lyrics hard enough.

I stab people, 4, 5 people everyday

I tried to see a shrink to stop that shit but it ain't no FUCKing way

I stabbed him, stabbed his nurse and his fucking cat

Stabbed them! Stabbed them all like that

I get it now! These lyrics for the ICP song, called “I Stab People” are supposed to be “a mirror that might help some people to get on a more righteous path.” Thanks for helping me get on the straight and narrow.

Brain power is why these two have made it onto my study of natural selection. They have wrestled (pun intended, lol) with gang life, only to come out on top with money and fame. They have used their poetic lyrics to change the life of millions. They have been fighting the good fight. Not wanting to add to the common drivel of the normal "art" scene, they want to give the world something that is worth taking in. Thanks you Joe and Joe, or should I say Vio and Shag.

Now for a quick word of wisdom from Shaggy 2 Dope:

"We moved to southwest Detroit from the suburbs, and right away, we talkin' like when you're 16, it was the cool thing to be in a gang. So we started Inner City Posse, like this is our gang. But we didn't realize that the real gangs had been around for generations, you know what I'm saying?"

Yes, I know what you’re saying. Thank you for showing me that being in a gang is not cool.

In other news, authorities have now classified Juggalo as a gang.

Freddy Prinze, Jr

This is my new internet sensation. I've decided to call it "NATURAL

SELECTION." The reason being is because people need to look around and realize that they're here because they are, in fact, better than the people who are dead.

SO...Who remembers Freddie Prince Jr?

To be honest, I don't really even know why I know who he is. I was at a loss of what great films he's participated in, so I hopped on over to IMDB.com and realize, wow, ScoobyDoo. That's all I've seen him in (BUT he was FANtastic in it). So that got me wondering what he's been up to lately? Well, having a baby with Buffy and some voice work. So nothing (he's on the hit Kiefer show "24" too? So still nothing).

BUT...He was a heart throb there for a while so you've got to hand it to the dude, he probably has been around. He had his pick of girls aged 12 to 15 for about two years there when he was in that movie about the ugly girl who did some heroin and then took her glasses off and became beautiful? So really, with Freddie banging that many preteens he should've gotten some kind of STD with the way this world is headed (what with rainbow parties and that bracelet game?). But he's still here, with a baby. So congratulations Freddie Prince Jr, you're part of the Natural Selection. Survival of the fittest.

Now for some words of wisdom from this weeks NS:

"Y`know, the way I see it there`s no such thing as being perfect. We`re all pretty much

made the same but some people are better at certain things than others. Everybody is great at something...you just have to find what that is."

Beautiful.