Jaden Smith

Welcome to the fifth installment of my internet sensation, Joe's Study of Natural Selection. For any first timers, this is looking at survival of the fittest and why these superior beings are still alive and kicking it on our big blue planet earth.

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1998. What happened twelve years ago? Steven Spielberg won best director at the Academy Awards for Saving Private Ryan. Bill Clinton was President. Goo Goo Dolls were at the top of the music charts. And the year the recipient of this Natural Selection was born.

I know, I know. You don’t need to say it. How can you do a study on a child? What has he been through that he should be allowed to be included with entertainers at the caliber of Freddy Prinze, Jr., I.C.P., Lauren Conrad and Chad Kroeger? Well, I’ll tell you and I assure, little Jaden Smith belongs on this blog as much as any of the previous selections.

Jaden Smith (little Jade-man) started acting because of his mom and dad, Will and Jada Pinkett-Smith. I don’t necessarily mean inspired either. He is in the movie business because his parents are very talented and famous. They can do anything they want! So basically, the bare bones, is little Jade-man has some very nice connections. That’s how life works for everyone. That’s how I got my high paying job! Thanks Eric! ALTHOUGH, Jaden Smith has some acting chops. He proved this by wowing critics and audiences alike with his performance in The Pursuit of HappYness. Now I don’t want to yammer on about things I don’t know anything about (I never did see The Pursuit of HappYness), but I did see the theatrical trailer a few times. DAMN! ACTING! Some people would say Will Smith carried the whole movie and little Jade-man was just along for the ride. I would have to disagree. I often like to gloat about how I saw the trailer for The Last King of Scotland (never saw the movie) and I correctly predicted an Oscar win for Forest Whitaker. So I sort of know what I’m talking about here. Little Jade-man has gone on to co-star in The Day the Earth Stood Still with Keanu Reeves. I did watch that one! And moving on, he’ll be starring in The Karate Kid this summer with Jackie Chan.

Yes, impressive filmography, but why is he better than the dead? First of all, he is a child. This means that he has a weaker immune system than strong men such as Nicolas Cage and myself. Long days on the set should cripple this boy, but he’s pumping on. I must admit that he is the spawn of Will Smith (star of Bad Boys and Bad Boys II) so he does have a step up on Haley Joel Osment, Jake Lloyd and Jonathan Lipnicki. But little Jade-man continues to make movies and look good doing it.

The other reason he belongs in my study is his career choices. The original Day the Earth Stood Still came out in 1951 and would be classified as a cult classic. This film has fan boyz. The Karate Kid came out in 1984 and again is a frequently quoted movie with a mass following. I’ve got to admit that I’m surprised with the lack of an assassination attempt on little Jade-man. Would-be assassins should be attempting to halt production with a murder attempt. Same thing with Jackie Earle Haley. He’s still here! I think it’s the talent. Angry fan boyz see the movies and are instantly blown away by the quality of acting. Well done, little Jade-man.

Now for a quick word of wisdom from our youth:

“I’m going to buy my parents’ house…I’m going to give them a little apartment.”

Way to thank your connections little Jade-man.

Chad Kroeger

Hello, and welcome to the fourth installment of my blog that has turned into an internet sensation! Each installment looks at a different human who has stood the test of time and survived. These are people who are much better than the dead, because they are simply living.

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Think about how much kids look up to Rock Gods! Look at Eddie Van Halen, Mick Jagger, Angus Young, Kurt Cobain or any one of the Beatles. Young kids look up to these men. Men look up to these men. Women want to guzzle these men’s gravy. The question we should ask ourselves is simply “why?” Why would these masses of people throw themselves at these human beings? Because of the power of Rock! Kids look up to them because they are following their dreams and passion, men are in awe because these guys can have sex with anyone they want and girls want to blow them because then they have the start of a notable life. This is why we can appreciate a man who has harnessed his talent to show the world that some good can come of being a Rock God. Rock stars don’t have to be the stereotypical selfish creatures. They can give back. Thank you Chad Kroeger for showing other Rock Gods that there is another way.

For those squares who don’t know who Chad Kroeger is (if that’s even possible) he is the lead singer and guitar player for the hard-hitting rock ’n roll group, Nickelback. A quick, little, funny anecdote about the name: Chad Kroeger worked as a barista in Canada and when he would give customers their change he would say, “Here’s your nickel back.” Any normal human would think that this was a simple exchange between people, but that’s why we work boring jobs and Mr. Kroeger makes the big bucks. He thought about what he was saying and the light bulb flashed on. Here’s your nickel back…Nickelback…Holy Shit! That’s the greatest! And he was right.

Nickelback started in the 90’s as grunge was in the last moments of its death rattle. Although, certain bands didn’t want this short era of music to die. Bush, Everclear, Toadies and Nickelback didn’t want to allow the age of Pop to rise again so they continued writing guitar heavy music with gravelly vocals. Nickelback released a couple albums, but didn’t hit it big until their 1998 independent release, The State got picked up by EMI and Roadrunner and given a proper unveiling in 2000 (we all know that independent releases don’t really count for anything). There were two hit singles off of this record, “Leader of Men” and “Breathe.” They weren’t thrown into mega-stardom until they put out Silver Side Up. Oh, I get it, nickels. The single “How You Remind Me” put them into the major leagues of Rock. This album opened doors of success the band could never dream of, and the rest is history.

By now you’re asking me, Joe, you just told me a great story of Rock History, but why does it belong on your site about Natural Selection. Well, I’ll tell you. When nobodies become somebodies, girls notice! Especially when the thing that made you a somebody is a Rock God Band! When girls see a new hott band they instantly want to have sex with the members. The lead singer and guitar player gets the most action. So what happens when the lead singer plays guitar? Orgy. Girls see the band and they don’t want to get with the drummer because drummers are animals. They will bite and tear and it will be a terribly uncomfortable night. Girls don’t even realize bands have a bass player. The guitar player is quiet and mysterious and girls assume he’s just in it for the sex. BUT the lead singer…they sing their hearts out. The lyrics are a window into the heart and soul and girls feel they can trust this man. So Chad Kroeger has had mountains upon mountains of sex with all kinds of girls. And he’s still around. He should be a pool of disease, but he’s still writing great Rock music.

Only he’s not only in it for the girls. He’s here to show the world that people can be better. Just look at his song, “If Today was Your Last Day.”

One stanza of this epic song:

If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late


Could you say goodbye to yesterday?


Would you live each moment like your last?


Leave old pictures in the past?


Donate every dime you had?

I would do everything in this song if I realized today was my last. My wife doesn’t need any of the money I’ve saved, she can sell the house and live on that, but I’ll probably leave a note in my will that I want my house donated to a greater cause than that selfish girl. People have decided to be kinder and more generous and I can safely say that credit can go to Chad Kroeger and crew.

ALTHOUGH, I’m not quite sure how to figure these lyrics out from the NB song, “Figured You Out”:

I like your pants around your feet

And I like the dirt that's on your knees

And I like the way you still say please

While you're looking up at me

You're like my favorite damn disease

Eh, he’s probably talking about politics. We all get it, right? Right?

Now, for some words of wisdom from Mr. Kroeger:

“We are four lucky bastards -- not a day goes by that I don`t wake up and think, `I`m thankful to be able to play music for a living. And to be heard.`”

And you are heard Mr. Kroeger. You are heard.

Lauren Conrad

Welcome to my third installment of my hit internet sensation, Joe's Study of Natural Selection! I've been looking at people in our world that have stood the test of time and continue to live, while others who died couldn't quite hack it. Be it smarts, physical strength or just good, heathy, American manipulation they are the survival of the fittest!

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It’s sad to say, but we live in a world where there are two options for success. On one side you can be talented. This covers the realms of intelligence, wit, competence, natural abilities and the like. We can see examples in Shakespeare, Einstein, Donald Trump and Spielberg. They have taken what God gave them and used these talents to add to the world they inhabit. They were successful because of the talent they were able to hone. On the other side of the spectrum we have beauty. If you have a pretty face and a fantastic smile you’re on your way to the top! It doesn’t matter if you can’t spell colonel, bologna, or triumph. What matters is if you look good in magazines, television and Internet pornography. It’s okay that you don’t have talent because you’re hott. Yes, two T’s hott. Thank you Tyra Banks, Katherine Heigl, Paris Hilton (iffy on the two T’s) and Megan Fox. You’ve shown the world that you don’t need anything but surface value to make a difference.

BUT, someone is showing a new way. She’s creating a new formula. She is telling the youth of America that they can have both, that you don’t have to trade one for the other. Lauren Conrad is fighting the good fight for your nation. She’s letting us know that it’s okay to be super hott as well as a very talented author.

Miss Conrad started her career in reality television. That’s how we know she’s not only naturally beautiful, but also talented! America loves her because she hasn’t been through the entire mechanism of Hollywood, churning out the same kind of role model. She was showing us a new way from the beginning. Her reality show was called Laguna Beach, and not only was it a popular show, but it spawned a spin-off called The Hills. Now, because I’m such an old man I always assumed these two shows were fictional. I had no idea these were real people with real problems. The generation of youth approved of these shows and I applaud them for it. If it wasn’t for their keen eye we wouldn’t have a beautiful, talented writer like Lauren Conrad making the world a better place.

Conrad released a book in 2009 called L.A. Candy. Here is an abridged synopsis from Amazon.com:

Jane is an intern for a famous event planner, [but] things change quickly when a TV producer asks them to be in a new reality series…following their lives as they try to make it in L.A.

OKAY! So we have a girl who moves to Los Angeles to try and make it as an actress or fashion designer or a model or something that someone would inevitably want to be as a just out of high school girl who decides to move to the big city. Of course she’s got to be a hottie because a man wants to follow her around with cameras all day. I haven’t read this novel because it is classified as young adult and I’m much too busy reading the new John Grisham. So I’m not sure how it ends, but I do know that it is the first installment of a trilogy. The second book came out in February of 2010. I’m betting the series ends with the main character writing a trilogy about her experiences.

Now I know what you’re thinking. How could a beautiful young 23 old girl be so talented? She learns from her experiences! She puts all the pain and joy into her writing like any sort of good author would attempt to do. She did move to L.A.! She did want to be a fashion designer! She did get followed around all day by cameras! But she knows how to put a fictional spin on her writing! I won’t let you guys go without a little excerpt from her novel.

The first page from L.A. Candy:

Jane Roberts leaned against her dresser, studying the way her white silk nightie looked against her sun-kissed skin. Her loose blond curls cascaded softly over her shoulders as she pretended not to be interested in the guy in her bed.

“Come over here—or am I going to have to come and get you?”

Jane smiled mischievously at the ground, then raised her face to him, starring into his chocolate brown eyes.

She slinked back to the bed, slid onto the white silk sheets, and nestled next to him.

“Janie, you’re the most amazing girl I’ve ever met. I’m so in love with you, it’s crazy,” he said, gazing into her eyes.

“Really, Caleb?” She smiled, and reached for him…

…and woke up to find herself lying next to some strange, sweaty guy. Some strange, sweaty, half-naked guy. He smelled like bad cologne and armpits and pot.

Welp, I’m sold. I need to go pick this up today. See, I sort of figured it was a dream sequence when everything this girl owned was “white silk,” but I couldn’t be sure. I know how girls like their nighties to match their sheets. It kept me on the edge of my seat. Suspense! And don’t you hate it when you’re having a hott dream about a hott guy and when you wake it up he turns out to be so normal? That is the WORST. I feel that I could really relate to this piece of literature. Lauren Conrad has an amazing insight into the world we live. Thank you Ms. Conrad. She is naturally selected on earth to bring insight, she has survived because like I.C.P., she is aware of the world around her. She can predict bad things because of her vast understanding of L.A. and the subcultures it holds.

Now for some words of wisdom from Lauren Conrad:

There's a difference between good people who do bad things and bad people who do bad things.

I could not have said that better myself.

In other news, Roman Polanski’s 2010 film The Ghost Writer will be on shelves this June.